God, Change Me

One of my prayers through this time of corporate fasting and prayer has been that God would form me into a godly woman.  I don’t want to be a casual Christian.  I want to be the kind of woman that when people think of me, the first thing they would think is that “she really is a godly woman”.  When I grow up, I want to be like some of these older ladies that I see, ladies like Mike’s granny where it can be said that there is no doubt from anyone that ever knew her or knew of her that she was for SURE going to be in heaven!

The first thing that’s hard for me to grasp in that request is the “woman” part.  There are times that I have to remind myself that I’m 34 years old.  For anyone else, 34 is for sure an adult.  There are other times I have to remind myself that I’m a parent to three children.  For anyone else, having three kids must mean that you’re an adult.  I’ve been married for almost 9 years.  For anyone else, that’s a good amount of time and surely, if you’ve been married that long, you’re an adult.  But most of the time, it’s hard to put it into words… I just don’t feel like I’ve achieved adulthood.  Not that I feel like I’m still a kid or that I’m not mature, but that being an adult or being considered a “woman” is something for people older than me… or younger than me… or just other people than me.  I guess it’s a feeling of inadequacy.  I sometimes don’t feel like I’ve “earned” adulthood yet.  I don’t know what would need to happen in order for me to feel that I had earned it or achieved it.  I guess I feel like I haven’t arrived yet.

The other part is the godly part.  This stems from part of the “woman” part.  I’ve been asked to be one of the leaders of a Bible study at church.  I saw a list of all the group leaders of that study.  My name is on that list.  And I am humbled.  For one thing, I’m the youngest one of the bunch – hence the apprehension on the “woman” part.  Am I old enough to be a leader?  Or a better question is am I mature enough to be a leader?  Then to broach the “godly” aspect of it… what in the world is my name doing on the list with all these awesome, godly women?!  I don’t feel like I’m nearly adequate enough to lead with these ladies.  Satan is wrestling with me on that and causing me to wonder why in the world would any other female want to be in my group when they’ve got all these other ladies to choose from?  I certainly wouldn’t choose me… but then that makes me want to be the kind of woman that I would choose.  If that makes any kind of sense at all.  I would love to be someone that people gravitate toward, not because of who I am, but because of the Christ they see in me.  There are a few people that come to mind when I think of those that I gravitate toward.  There is just something about being around genuinely, godly people.  You come away energized.  That’s the kind of person that I want to be. 

As we start this new Bible study, I have a feeling God is really going to change my life through it.  He’s already changing me through our fast.  There’s more of a yearning for Him than there was before.  There’s more of a hunger for His word.  I want to have a clearer discernment of God’s will in my life.  I want to be so in tune with Him that I can be in a loud, crowded place, but still be able to hear the still, small voice of my Father.